Birth Stories

The Void

February 2, 2016

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We are mamas and birth workers who decided to do birth differently– and bring others along with us. We are kind, fun to work with, and great at (lovingly) calling people on their bullshit. With 12 children and 20 years of midwifery between us, we’ve learned a thing or two along the way, and Indie Birth is our space to share it all with you.


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I KNOW this deep within my bones, and channeling the wise ones, I listen.

What has come to me most in the 12 weeks since my baby died within my body (and has yet to be released) is that I am a channel for ancient wisdom.

I didn’t hear them at first, overcome with grief and anger and disbelief.
And truthfully would not have heard them had I acted on those intense feelings right away.
People often do and I now I know I would have denied myself the ability to hear what I am hearing now.

I anticipate this birth/death is just days to weeks away. People wonder how I have “lasted” this long but truthfully Time has taken on a different quality as I wait. It is not linear; my baby’s death both simultaneously just happened and has always been. I know nothing more than the moment I am in, and moment by moment I can wait for him.

The elders have such wise words for me. I am so blessed that in my “real life” they do as well. Trust your body. Trust your instincts. Trust the process. You will KNOW.

The voices that are our grandmothers, are ancient ones that are more subtle but yet the power is unmistakable.
They tell me to embrace my strength, my determination, my fierce awareness of my body.

They tell me that this process (birth/death) is one I already know, already have experienced. They tell me to tell you that you know it too. Don’t let it scare you; as women we know this place where babies can choose to go.

I hear them whisper in my ear when I need it most. You are loved and protected. There is no one that knows more than you about where you are at. Dispel fear. Speak Truth. Go all places and anywhere but stay in the energetic awareness that this is all how it should be. It has all been Written before.

These words comfort me as I enter what I call the Void. I didn’t consciously make up this word to apply to this, it was given to me as confirmation that what I have done and what I WILL do is enter a space of spaciousness. When my baby (then alive) named himself months, he called himself Sable Sage. I had to look up the meaning of “Sable”, which is “Black”. Oh what a somber, confusing name for a baby, I thought. And then told me his second name would be “Sage”. “Teacher, Wise one.” As I prepare to enter the Void, there is no more perfect name than this for him. For this. The wise one that has shown me the Darkness, Death, and that will lead me through with wisdom.

And with more tears of deep love and awareness, I surrender.

To my Sable Sage, my blessed baby.

And to all of us, women and babies, that have revered this wisdom for the place that birth meets death.

I honor you.

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  1. Aly says:

    Thank you for being so vulnerable with us Maryn. You are an amazing teacher. I am so thankful to learn from you.

  2. Francoise Mamacita Souverville says:

    OH…sister in childbirth!! how we are connected….I have been praying and thinking of you as I lay in bed for the past 25 days with a dislocated ankle…your comment of the ‘void’ being of darkness and/or death only opens my consciousness to illumination and lightness of being. I have communicated with your baby’s spirit!! Maybe as a channel to ancient wisdom as well….as I lay here in the moment carrying my intense physical pain to the ‘void’ that you are describing. I receive the message that everything is as it should be and carry on one more day. You are a lighthouse for me…we are one in the essence of time. Thank you for your presence.

  3. OH…sister in childbirth….your words are like my mirror. I have been in bed for the last 25 days with a dislocated ankle and have prayed and thought of you often. I feel that your baby’s spirit is much alive with me and has brought me much hope. Your comment of the ‘void’ being a darkness/death has brought me an illumination and lightness of being. We are one in the essence of time and through a spirit somehow connected. Through my physical pain of my ankle and leg I discover much wisdom as you mention of knowing that everything is as it should be! Your words are like a lighthouse on my path. Yes a ‘space of spaciousness’ I am with you.

  4. Well……I thought the first comment didn’t go through so now you have two! Same thought different words……I love you in time past…..we are one!

  5. […] In this blog post, I wrote about being in the middle of this journey as well. […]

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We are mamas and midwives who decided to do birth differently– and bring others along with us. We are radical, fun to work with, and great at (lovingly) calling people on their bullshit to help move us all towards a new more beautiful world. With 12 children and over two decades of midwifery between us, we’ve learned a thing or two along the way, and Indie Birth is our space to share it all with you.

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