I KNOW this deep within my bones, and channeling the wise ones, I listen.
What has come to me most in the 12 weeks since my baby died within my body (and has yet to be released) is that I am a channel for ancient wisdom.
I didn’t hear them at first, overcome with grief and anger and disbelief.
And truthfully would not have heard them had I acted on those intense feelings right away.
People often do and I now I know I would have denied myself the ability to hear what I am hearing now.
I anticipate this birth/death is just days to weeks away. People wonder how I have “lasted” this long but truthfully Time has taken on a different quality as I wait. It is not linear; my baby’s death both simultaneously just happened and has always been. I know nothing more than the moment I am in, and moment by moment I can wait for him.
The elders have such wise words for me. I am so blessed that in my “real life” they do as well. Trust your body. Trust your instincts. Trust the process. You will KNOW.
The voices that are our grandmothers, are ancient ones that are more subtle but yet the power is unmistakable.
They tell me to embrace my strength, my determination, my fierce awareness of my body.
They tell me that this process (birth/death) is one I already know, already have experienced. They tell me to tell you that you know it too. Don’t let it scare you; as women we know this place where babies can choose to go.
I hear them whisper in my ear when I need it most. You are loved and protected. There is no one that knows more than you about where you are at. Dispel fear. Speak Truth. Go all places and anywhere but stay in the energetic awareness that this is all how it should be. It has all been Written before.
These words comfort me as I enter what I call the Void. I didn’t consciously make up this word to apply to this, it was given to me as confirmation that what I have done and what I WILL do is enter a space of spaciousness. When my baby (then alive) named himself months, he called himself Sable Sage. I had to look up the meaning of “Sable”, which is “Black”. Oh what a somber, confusing name for a baby, I thought. And then told me his second name would be “Sage”. “Teacher, Wise one.” As I prepare to enter the Void, there is no more perfect name than this for him. For this. The wise one that has shown me the Darkness, Death, and that will lead me through with wisdom.
And with more tears of deep love and awareness, I surrender.
To my Sable Sage, my blessed baby.
And to all of us, women and babies, that have revered this wisdom for the place that birth meets death.
I honor you.